Have you ever wondered why most people don’t reach the success they want?
Whether it be in dating, career, finances, etc.
…They end up settling, and rationalizing why it’s okay.
Very few people truly hit their stride, achieve, and maintain high levels of success in dating and other areas.
So, what sets these people apart?
They abide by a certain set of “harsh truths”.
You see, society sugarcoats things. Most people are soft and can’t handle harsh truths, so they don’t often get talked about.
But the real ones know that you must face these harsh truths head on, especially if you want to get the girls you actually want (instead of settling for “what you can get”).
So, read carefully and consider which of these harsh truths you’ve neglected to face, and which challenge your viewpoint. If you’re not happy with you’re dating life right now, it’s likely at least two or more.
Let’s get into them…
1. Things won’t magically “work out” with your dating life
I talk to guys all the time who admit they have “no plan” when it comes to dating.
They aren’t having success right now, and know they need to change something… but their actions don’t follow suit.
Instead of putting a plan together and/or finding a mentor to help accelerate their progress, they hold off. They think, “Sure, things aren’t working out right now, but I think eventually I’ll find a cool girl!”
And so, they “go with the flow”.
Here’s the problem: If you’re not intentional about creating a great dating life, you won’t just “luck” into one. Even if you luck into meeting a great girl, you won’t know how to pace and grow the relationship in a healthy way… and more than likely, it’ll fall apart.
OR, the girl you think is “great” won’t actually be all that great. Maybe you put her on a pedestal due to your own scarcity, or you didn’t know how to spot her red flags early on…because you lacked intention from the beginning.
But what’s most likely is you’ll be forced to settle for a girl that you’re not very excited about. That’s a recipe for disaster (and a lot of dissatisfaction with your lifestyle).
That’s why, instead of “going with the flow”, you must be intentional. You must decide what traits and values are most important to you, what your “non-negotiables” are, and what kind of relationship you even want in the first place.
Then, you must put yourself in position to meet your ideal type of woman. That might mean moving to a bigger city with more mate selection/quality, building personal momentum so that those women see you as a quality mate, and building a high value lifestyle that she’d be happy to be a part of.
As you build yourself up and live with more intention, you’ll have more opportunities with quality women, and they’ll see you as a lot more attractive, too.
2. It’s never “too late”
I get emails all the time from guys, saying things like, “I’m 21 and I’ve never had a girlfriend. Is it too late for me?”
I’ve had several students in the past who expressed this same sentiment. There’s a big “rush” to get everything done in life…
Get a girlfriend, get the nice job, get married, get the house, the car, etc.
And if you don’t meet this societal “timeline”, you feel left behind. However, this is the same thinking that will destroy your success.
The entire idea of being “too late” for anything is ridiculous. Too late for what? For whom?
Thinking you’re “too late” is just another way of asking permission to live the life you want. You want confirmation that no, it’s not too late, and you can still achieve the things you want.
You must learn to stop asking permission. Otherwise, you’ll never confidently move forward towards a life you enjoy.
The truth is, it’s never too late. I’ve seen men in their late teens have great results with women… as well as men in their fifties.
As the old saying goes, “It’s never too late to become who you might have been.”
The key is, you must stop waiting and start doing. You must lean towards taking action and making mistakes, rather than living life scared.
Whether you’re a twenty-seven-year-old who’s never hooked up with a girl and needs to get experience, or a forty-two-year-old who just got out of a divorce after being married for fifteen years…
…You can wait on the sidelines thinking it’s “too late”, but that will get you nowhere. Or you can take massive action, decide you’re okay with making some embarrassing mistakes, and commit to living life dangerously.
I encourage you to do the latter.
The funny part to all this, though, is that the men who use this sentiment are often on the younger side. They think they’re running out of years, while older guys seem to be somewhat more patient.
Sure, it’s great to have success with women in your twenties, and every guy should aim for it. But make no mistake – the prime of a man’s life doesn’t start until thirty and beyond. As a man, this is when you’re making more money, getting things in order, and starting to achieve your dreams and goals. Any girl – whether she be in her early 20s or late 30s, would be attracted to a man like that. Plus, most women tend to be attracted to older men anyway.
So no, you’re not running out of time and it’s definitely not “too late”. But it’s a heck of a lot better to start now than to keep putting your dating life off.
3. The victim never wins
For a long time, I saw myself as the victim. I was the shy guy who got bullied, had a stutter and acne, and never had any luck with girls.
Life didn’t seem fair. While it seemed so easy for other guys to be popular, make friends, and get girls, there I was with no idea how to do any of it.
I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself in middle school and high school, and I was surprised that no one else seemed to care or feel bad for me. I began to realize that self-pity wouldn’t get me anywhere. So, I gave it up and decided to at least try to make myself better.
I was lucky to have that realization. Many people don’t and spend their lives playing the victim and making excuses. They never realize that “victimhood” is the very thing that holds them back and stops them from actually leveling up.
No one is here to save you, and nobody cares that you play the victim—no matter how warranted your excuses may be. They don’t matter, and the longer you cling to them, the more of a failure you’ll be.
The worst part of excuses and victimhood is that they “let you off the hook.” They give you a solid reason not to try. They’re your “out.” This allows you to go on living a life you’re not happy about while taking no real action to change it.
This is why the victim never wins. You’ve got to be the hero of your own story because Superman isn’t swooping down to save you.
4. Looking stupid is the barrier to entry
In the famous words of Jake the Dog from Cartoon Network’s hit show Adventure Time:
“Dude, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
If you want to be great at anything, you’ve got to suck at it first. Nobody looks glamorous at the start of their journey.
When I first started approaching girls and working on improving my interactions with them, I was super cringey. Heck, a whole sorority in college knew me as “the creepy guy”! But that set the foundation for my dating success later on; I learned what worked and what didn’t work, and I incrementally improved along the way.
When I first started YouTube, my videos were even cringier. I had terrible jump cuts, awkward phrasing, and out-of-place drone shots. But I kept at it, and now that channel has helped build a thriving business.
Maybe most of all, I remember how stupid I felt when I first started learning online business skills. I lived with my parents, made little to no money, and had just quit my job. While my peers were getting good jobs, making money, and becoming more independent, it seemed like I was sliding in the opposite direction.
I remember feeling shame when I had to tell girls that I lived with my parents.
What kept me going through all this “sucking,” though, was the bigger vision. I knew that if I stuck with these things, I’d be A LOT better off later on. And those same people who laughed at me for looking stupid would regret that they didn’t take a similar path.
If you want to achieve your dream lifestyle, you’re going to look stupid for a while. You might live with your parents to save money, fail with some business ideas, and have some hilarious rejections when you approach girls. These things will hurt in the moment, but as long as you keep your eye on the bigger vision—living your dream lifestyle—you’ll stay motivated to stick with it. And the reward for “looking stupid” will be well-worth the price. In fact, these failures will be the springboard that propels you to success as you learn all the ways that “don’t work” and figure out what really does.
5. Looks DO matter
Every time I’ve posted an “approach video” (where I go out and talk to random girls) on YouTube, I inevitably get the same type of comment…
“That only works because he’s good looking!”
The ridiculousness of it makes me laugh. These guys are so hyper-focused on one aspect of attraction (and one which they seemingly believe they don’t have) that they disregard everything else.
Here’s the problem with that thinking…
You’ll rarely meet a guy who’s “good” with women that ISN’T at least somewhat good looking.
Because any guy that intentionally decides to improve his skills with women knows that he can and should optimize his physical appearance as much as possible.
He knows his appearance plays a huge role in his first impression, so it’d be senseless to neglect it. And so, he works to improve his style, grooming, fitness, and posture. This typically transforms him from an average or even below-average-looking guy, to an attractive one.
Of course along with this, he approaches many girls, improves his communication skills, and collects reference-experiences, which gradually make him more comfortable when interacting with women.
Then a random guy sees him doing well with an attractive girl, and thinks, “It’s only because he’s good looking!” and the cycle continues.
The truth is, YES, looks do matter. A fit, well-groomed, stylish man will have an edge over an overweight, sloppy, plain one. But you don’t need to be some freakishly handsome genetic masterpiece to attract quality women. Nor do you need to obsess over your face shape or get plastic surgery.
What you must do instead is take what you CAN control – your fitness, grooming, hygiene, and style – and optimize them. This will give you all you need in the looks department to get your foot in the door with quality girls.
Don’t just optimize those, though. Also constantly work on improving your communication skills. This, combined with the work you do on your looks, will catapult you into the top 5% of guys, and give you lots of exposure to quality women.
Whereas complaining that “you’re not good looking enough” will just dig you deeper and deeper into the victim mentality.
6. Seeking approval leaves you empty
We’ve all approached or dated a girl JUST because our friends thought she was attractive…
…or heck, maybe even gone into a major or career JUST because we thought others would respect us for it.
Or maybe made a big purchase (like a new car or house) just because we thought it’d impress others.
Here’s the problem: whether you do this with dating or with any other aspect of your life, it’ll leave you with one lasting feeling:
It’s hard to steer your own ship these days. You’re influenced by your friends, parents, the media… so much so that most people don’t even know what they actually want anymore.
And so you spend your life going after things you think will make you happy, when really you’ve just been seeking other people’s approval the whole time. Then, when you make it to the top of that coveted career, or get that girl that your friends said was hot, or drive that new Tesla, it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would. Or worse, you spend your whole life pursuing those things, but never get them in the first place. You’re on a hamster wheel, chasing after validation that won’t give you what you’re really looking for.
I faced this conundrum head on several times throughout my life. Whether it was going into a career (accounting) that other people wanted for me, going after girls just to impress friends, or making purchases and investments just because it would impress others or help me to fit in.
I slowly came to the realization that I was living based on seeking approval, until one day I vowed that enough was enough. I promised myself I’d stop living life based on what other people wanted for me, or what would make me look “cool”, and instead to live the life I wanted. And that’s led me on a wild adventure that’s taken me all over the world over the last eight years..
As for how to do this, again, it comes down to living intentionally. You must put some thought into what you actually want, and also understand that this will change as you grow over time (so you should be somewhat flexible).
You can start by answering some of the following questions:
- What does your ideal social life look like? Why? (i.e., what type of friends do you want? How many? What qualities do you want these friends to have? How often would you like to hang out with friends?)
- What does your ideal dating life look like? Why? (i.e., do you want a girlfriend or some casual relationships with different girls? How many dates do you want per week, and how do you want these dates to go? How would you like to meet girls? For example, would you like to be able to confidently approach girls in parks, bars, online, etc.? How do you want to feel around quality women?)
- How do you want your work life to look? Why? (I.e., how many hours would you like to work each week? What types of things would you like to be working on? Would you like to have your own business or be working for someone else?)
- What do you NOT want? Why? (E.g., a boss? Negative people that bring you down? A lack of financial security? 40+ hour workweeks? Stressful relationships? Being out of shape/overweight?)
These types of questions will give you a lot more clarity on your true desires. When you have that clarity, it’s a lot easier to steer your life down a path to create them, rather than “go with the flow” and hope your dream lifestyle just “happens” (which is not a high-percentage strategy).
7. Women don’t like weak men
Women want a man who they know can handle adversity and make it through to the other side.
This is one of the reasons why they “shit test” you. They want to see how you react when things aren’t so easy.
That way they can be confident that if they were to date you and you fell into some adversity, you wouldn’t fall apart (and screw their lives up too).
This is all the more reason to see obstacles as opportunities, rather than things that are impossible to overcome.
Got fired from a job? You’ve got a chance to reinvent yourself and find a better one, or even start your own business.
Got dumped by a girl? You’ve got a chance to come back stronger, meet even better girls, and elevate your value.
Made a bad investment? You can learn from it and avoid making the same mistake the next time, and set the path for better investments in the future.
When you see every obstacle, rejection, or hardship as an opportunity to build strength, rather than reinforce your victimhood, it sets the stage for you to become a strong man instead of a weak one.
Most people are at the whims of their circumstances. But when you do this, you intentionally create a life you want, and this is incredibly attractive to women.
Wrapping up the 7 Harsh Truths
You’ve now got two choices:
- Recognize these harsh truths and make them work in your favor.
- Go on ignoring them and hope that things just work out.
Because you’re a reader of Nick’s blog, I assume you’re an action taker who will go with #1!
Just by doing this, you’ll set yourself apart from 95% of guys and give yourself a chance for massive success; not just with women, but in all areas of life.
Bonus for Nick Notas readers
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